Online Dating: Fish With A Line, Not A Net

If you’ve spent any time on dating apps, you know the feeling: an endless scroll of profiles, hollow conversations that go nowhere, and a nagging sense that maybe, just maybe, you’re going about it all wrong.

Let’s talk about a different way to date online, a way that feels less like you're trawling the ocean for anything that bites, and more like casting a line, patiently, intentionally, for what you actually want.

The Net: Casting Wide, Catching Chaos

The swipe culture encourages us to present ourselves as a “shiny commodity.” We’re told to polish our profiles to a high gloss, highlight our best angles, throw out witty one-liners, and be as appealing to as many people as possible. The logic is, the wider the net, the more matches. And the more matches, the better chance of success, right?

Wrong. Often, casting a wide net means catching a lot of what you don’t want. You end up sifting through countless conversations that fizzle out, wasting energy on shallow connections, and feeling increasingly disillusioned by the whole process. It starts to feel less like dating, and more like performing.

The Line: Clarity, Intention, and Yes, Vulnerability

Fishing with a line means something different. It means slowing down. It means asking yourself, What kind of connection am I actually looking for? Not what’s popular, not what will get the most swipes, but what matters to you. It means crafting a profile that doesn’t just show off your highlight reel, but honestly reflects who you are and what you value.

This approach requires vulnerability. It means risking not appealing to everyone, and that’s the point. When you're genuine, you filter out the noise. You might get fewer matches, but the ones you do get? They'll be more aligned, more promising, more human.

Dating in the Gray

Online dating often tricks us into thinking every interaction has to either go somewhere or be considered a failure. A good date means success. A lack of chemistry? A waste of time. But that mindset leaves little room for what dating actually is—a series of human experiences, most of which exist in the gray area between “passing” and “failing.”

What if we gave ourselves permission to simply experience dating, without rushing to label it? What if a conversation that didn’t lead to a second date was still valuable—because you showed up, you practiced vulnerability, you learned something about yourself or someone else? That’s not failure. That’s life.

The truth is, most connections won’t lead to a relationship, and that’s not a reflection of your worth. It’s just part of the process. When you stop measuring every interaction by whether it leads to a “win,” you create room to be present. You spend less time overthinking, less time swiping mindlessly, and more time actually living through the moments dating offers, awkward, exciting, confusing, funny, real.

The gray area is where growth happens (The Grace Is In The Gray). It’s where you learn what you want, what you don’t, and how to listen to your intuition. It’s where you build resilience, deepen self-awareness, and maybe even enjoy the journey. Let go of the scoreboard. Let yourself be human. Date in the "gray."

The Value of Being Real

We often think being ourselves will limit us, but in dating, especially online, it’s what sets you free. When you stop trying to be what others want and start showing up as you truly are, you give others permission to do the same. That’s where the real magic happens.

You don’t need to be a catch for everyone, just the right someone.

So next time you’re tempted to rewrite your profile to sound more clever, or swipe on someone you already know isn’t a fit, take a breath. Remember, you’re not trying to fish the whole ocean.

You’re casting a line, thoughtfully, honestly, for the kind of connection that actually matters to you.

And that’s more than enough.

Chris Lauzon, LICSW

Therapist

Boston, Massachusetts