Blog for
Chris Lauzon - Therapist, LICSW

When we think about a healthy relationship, many of us picture closeness: shared time, shared experiences, shared goals. Partnership certainly includes those things, yet one of the most important ingredients of a truly healthy relationship is something that may seem counterintuitive at first; individual growth.

Open your spice rack. Notice what’s there. Not just the garlic powder and sea salt, but the jars tied to chapters of your life. The cumin from the relationship where you learned to cook for two. The chili flakes from the season of intensity. The specialty blend you bought because they liked it. Some of those spices are years old. If you unscrew the lid, the aroma is faint. The color is dull. The potency is gone, yet we keep them.

We are often encouraged to “take the wheel,” to lead, to be independent, to trust no one but ourselves. There is wisdom in that message, especially if your history includes trauma and loss, disappointment, betrayal, or the painful realization that not everyone who offered directions had your destination in mind. But, there is another truth that deserves equal space, it is sometimes OK to be a passenger.

It’s rarely spoken that plainly, of course. More often it arrives dressed differently, polished, casual, or defensive: “You’re in a bad mood.” “You’re overreacting.” “You’re taking that too personally.” “You’re being difficult.” “You’re always such a downer.” These statements show up everywhere, not just in romantic partnerships, but among friends, family members, colleagues, and even passing acquaintances. They often land as conclusions rather than invitations.

I’ve long held the opinion that when someone adds, “just kidding” or “just joking” after a comment, there is often some percentage of truth tucked within it. Not always, of course sometimes humor is just humor, play is just play. But many times, I’d estimate there’s about 40% truth living behind the curtain of the joke. Humor can be a safe doorway, a way to say something honest without risking full vulnerability. But it can also be a mask that bruises others.

When a relationship ends, or even when we begin to fear that it might we can find ourselves in a deeply emotional space that feels startlingly similar to the grief of losing a loved one to death. It is a death in its own right: the death of shared moments, of intimacy, of dreams once nurtured together.

When we think about conflict in relationships, we often imagine explosive arguments or long-standing feuds. But what can be just as damaging (though far more subtle) is conflict avoidance. That creeping tension that builds up when couples sidestep tough conversations, suppress small annoyances, or habitually say “I don’t care” to avoid disagreement. Over time, this kind of emotional evasion can erode connection, breed resentment, and spark fights over seemingly trivial things

As we explore the presence or potential presence for “Expectation and Obligation” in our lives, use the Tool of Invitation.