“Just Kidding,” But Were You?
- Chris Lauzon, LICSW
- Nov 25
- 3 min read
I’ve long held the opinion that when someone adds, “just kidding” or “just joking” after a comment, there is often some percentage of truth tucked within it. Not always, of course sometimes humor is just humor, play is just play. But many times, I’d estimate there’s about 40% truth living behind the curtain of the joke.
People express opinions in odd ways.
People receive opinions in odd ways.
We are all walking bundles of emotions, histories, and unspoken fears, trying our best to stay connected while protecting ourselves.
Humor can be a safe doorway, a way to say something honest without risking full vulnerability. But it can also be a mask that bruises others. A joke can land lightly, or it can sink someone deeper into self-judgment, insecurity, and silence.
On the other hand, the receiver of the joke may hear the words, feel the sting, and then immediately push the emotion down. Instead of exploring their reaction, they may judge themselves for having one. Or they may avoid it entirely and say nothing, letting the moment hover like static.
So what if we didn’t stop there; as the Recipient?
What if, instead of reacting with defensiveness, retreat, irritation, or self-blame, we learned to get curious?
Not accusatory, Not confrontational, Just inquisitive!
“Hey, when you said that and then said you were kidding I noticed I felt [something]. Can we talk about what you meant?”
Seizing this opportunity to learn requires Self-Awareness, a tool we all have, but few find instinctual; especially when we feel judged, exposed, embarrassed, or vulnerable. Those feelings can activate what I sometimes call the Old Mental Muscle, the source of most defensiveness, conflict avoidance, and isolation. It’s powerful because it has been practiced for years. But, there is hope as we can train New Mental Muscles, curiosity, openness, connection.
Example
Anna and Mark are a married couple in their early 30s with some history of conflict avoidance:
They’re getting ready for a friend’s wedding. Anna steps out of the bedroom wearing a new dress she’s excited about.
Mark glances over and says with a playful smirk:
“Whoa, going for the ‘I’m the real star of the wedding’ look? Just kidding!”
Anna forces a small laugh. Inside, she feels a pinch of embarrassment:
Do I look like I’m trying too hard? Does he think the dress is too much? Should I change?
Here’s what using New Mental Muscle through curiosity might look like:
Later, when Anna feels grounded, she says:
“Hey, earlier when you joked about me trying to be the star of the wedding, I noticed it made me feel a bit self-conscious. I’m not upset, I just want to understand what you meant.”
Mark looks surprised and softens:
“Oh wow, thanks for telling me. I honestly think you look amazing. I tease when I’m nervous. I wasn’t sure how to compliment you without sounding cheesy. The joke wasn’t about you at all.”
What could have become:
Self-doubt
Judgement of Self
Conflict Avoidance
Instead becomes:
Clarity through knowledge gained
Growth of New Mental Muscle in the form of Tools of Communication
A moment of intimacy rather than conflict
The Invitation
Next time someone says something that lands in a complicated place and follows it with “just kidding” pause.
Notice your internal reaction. To name a few:
Tightening?
Heat?
Shame?
Discomfort?
Confusion?
Heart Racing?
Then ask yourself:
“Can I be curious, rather than defensive or silent?”
You don’t have to confront. You don’t have to fix. You don’t have to make it heavy. You have an Opportunity to explore. Remove the conflict, both Internal & External.
Because connection isn’t built by pretending things don’t affect us, it’s built by gently staying in the room with ourselves and each other.
All Joking Aside!
Chris Lauzon, LICSW
Mental Health Therapist
Boston, Massachusetts
