How Conflict Avoidance Hurts Relationships and a Simple Tool to Fix It In Decision Making: The Leader Tool
- Chris Lauzon, LICSW
- May 9
- 4 min read
When we think about conflict in relationships, we often imagine explosive arguments or long-standing feuds. But what can be just as damaging (though far more subtle) is conflict avoidance. That creeping tension that builds up when couples sidestep tough conversations, suppress small annoyances, or habitually say “I don’t care” to avoid disagreement. Over time, this kind of emotional evasion can erode connection, breed resentment, and spark fights over seemingly trivial things, like where to eat on date night.
The Dinner Dilemma: A Symptom of a Bigger Problem
Imagine this familiar scenario: it’s Friday night, and you and your partner are deciding where to eat. Neither of you wants to seem difficult, so the exchange begins with:
“Where do you want to eat?”
“I don’t care, whatever you want.”
“Well, I picked last time. You choose.”
“I’m fine with anything.”
This dance continues until someone finally suggests something, and the other immediately shoots it down. “Ugh, not sushi again.” Now you’re not only still hungry, but slightly irritated, and maybe even questioning why this tiny decision is always so hard.
It’s easy to dismiss these moments as petty, but they often reveal deeper patterns. Conflict-avoidant couples avoid asserting preferences because they fear rejection, judgment, or creating tension. Over time, though, this leads to decision paralysis, unspoken resentment, and recurring low-grade conflict. In short, avoiding conflict doesn't prevent fights, it delays and distorts them.
The Missing Piece: The Tool of Self-Awareness
Before we jump to tools, it’s important to talk about self-awareness. Conflict avoidance often stems from a lack of clarity within ourselves. We may think we don’t care where we eat, but in reality, we’ve trained ourselves not to notice our own preferences, or we feel guilty about having them.
Self-awareness is about tuning into your internal landscape, recognizing what you want, how you feel, and why you might be hesitating to express it. In relationships, self-awareness allows you to:
Spot when you're avoiding rather than engaging,
Identify your real preferences instead of defaulting to "whatever,"
Understand your emotional triggers and patterns.
When paired with a shared decision-making tool like the Leader Tool, self-awareness becomes a superpower. You’re better able to lead (or follow) with clarity, or support your partner without resentment.
Introducing the Leader Tool
One effective way to break the cycle of avoidance is by using the Leader Tool. It works like this: for a given situation, one person is designated (either by volunteering or mutual agreement) as the Leader. The Leader takes responsibility for making a decision on behalf of the couple (or group), while still listening to input and considering mutual needs.
The beauty of the Leader Tool is that it shifts the dynamic from passive avoidance to intentional action. It creates structure and allows each person to take turns stepping up, so decision-making feels balanced rather than like a tug-of-war or a guessing game.
Also important to note, is that anyone other than the Leader is considered an Assistant Leader, and thus can be delegated tasks, opinion, or choice. Examples:
"Could you call and see if they have availability?"
"Could you take a look at these 3 menus and tell me your favorite?"
Ultimately, the Leader makes to final decision.
Using the Leader Tool on Date Night
Let’s go back to the date night scenario, only this time, the couple uses the Leader Tool.
They start the conversation with:
“Want to use the Leader Tool tonight?”
“Sure. I’ll be Leader this time.”
Now the Leader's role is to guide or outright make a decision. Should they choose, the Leader can ask for input:
“Any cravings or places you really don’t want tonight?”
Their partner responds:
“I’m not in the mood for burgers, but I’d be down for something with noodles or maybe Mediterranean.”
The Leader takes that in, reflects on their own preferences (thanks to self-awareness), and says:
“Okay, let’s go to that new Thai place near downtown. I think it’s a good fit for both of us.”
The key here isn’t that the Leader always gets their way, it’s that someone takes initiative, listens actively, and makes a call. The pressure of back-and-forth indecision is relieved, and each partner gets a chance to lead and feel heard.
Why It Works
It prevents avoidance: Instead of dancing around decisions, couples face them directly with a shared process.
It balances power: Each person takes turns leading, so no one feels perpetually burdened or sidelined.
It reduces friction: Decisions get made efficiently, minimizing the chance of last-minute arguments.
It builds trust: Over time, the act of leading and being led builds mutual respect and a sense of teamwork.
It encourages self-awareness: The Leader must check in with their own preferences and emotional cues, which strengthens communication and confidence.
Final Thoughts
Conflict isn’t the enemy of relationships—avoidance is. When couples dodge tension to keep the peace, they often create more friction in the long run. Developing self-awareness helps each partner own their experience, while using tools like the Leader Tool shifts the relationship dynamic from passive to proactive, from resentment to resolution.
So the next time date night rolls around and the dreaded “I don’t care, you choose” loop begins, consider asking or stating:
“Want to try the Leader Tool?”
“Who’s the leader?”
“Do you mind if I take the lead?”
The Leader Tool, it might just turn a frustrating ritual into a refreshing connection. Choose a leader. Everyone else is an assistant.
Chris Lauzon, LICSW
Therapist
Boston, Massachusetts
