Smother, Root Word: Mother

Let’s talk about the very fine line between “loving someone well” and “loving someone out of fear.”

It’s a line that gets crossed more often than we realize, sometimes in the name of care, sometimes in the name of connection, and often without us noticing until tension begins to rise or space becomes scarce.

If you’ve ever felt smothered in a relationship, or just as importantly, recognized you might be the one doing the smothering, you’re not alone. And it’s worth unpacking.

Let’s start with the word itself: smother. Its root? You guessed it, mother.

Now, let’s be clear: being mothered has its place. It’s essential in early development. Mothering teaches us about safety, trust, and how to model care. It keeps us alive, literally. But as we grow older, what once protected us can begin to limit us. In adulthood, “mothering” someone too much without boundaries or consent can shift into smothering.

When we smother, we often act from a place of fear or anxiety. We monitor, manage, anticipate, over-function, and sometimes even suffocate. Our intentions might be good, but the outcome is often disconnection. The person on the receiving end can feel controlled or mistrusted, and the person doing the smothering may begin to feel resentful, unappreciated, or burned out.

This is where the Tool of Self Awareness becomes crucial. Take a step back and ask yourself:

• Am I giving my partner room to grow, or am I trying to manage their experience to soothe my own discomfort?

• Do I feel emotionally oxygen-starved in this relationship?

• Is fear guiding my actions—fear of loss, failure, loneliness, or abandonment?

• Do I trust them? Do I trust myself?

  
  

To move out of the smother dynamic, we must retool our communication. Growth, both individually and in relationships, relies on vulnerability, the ability to name our fears, express our needs, and accept that we can’t control everything (or everyone). On the flipside, recognition of feeling smothered presents similar opportunities for vulnerable communication with our partner, so if you feel the need for space state it or ask for an opportunity to learn more.

This vulnerability might feel like walking a tightrope over the possibility of hurt, rejection, conflict, disappointment, etc., but it’s actually the bridge to deeper intimacy and mutual respect.

Instead of trying to prevent every possible rupture by over functioning, try developing what I like to call New Mental Muscle:

• The ability to sit with discomfort, Notate, and Invite a partner to learn more.

• The willingness to hear “no” and not respond as if rejected.

• The courage to trust that your needs matter and can be spoken aloud.

• The self respect to respect space and autonomy, yours and theirs.

  
  

Relationships thrive not when we avoid all possible pain, but when we show up authentically despite the fear. That’s when love expands. That’s when trust is built.

So the next time you feel the urge to over-involve, over-reach, or over-care… pause. Take a breath. Use your Tool of Self Awareness.

And remember: being “mothered” has its place. But being smothered, or smothering, might be the very thing that’s keeping the relationship from breathing.

Let love breathe. Let yourself breathe.

And let’s grow.

Chris Lauzon, LICSW

Therapist

Boston, Massachusetts